shuwei

long heeheehaha talks with shuping

2005-05-02T01:08:00.000-04:00

there's nothing as uplifting as a long conversation with my sis. i was feeling really depressed and crappy abt everything in my life but after talking to her, it feels like a heavy load has been lifted off my chest. it's so wonderfully comforting and oh-so-therapeutic to know that she has just the right advice to all my problems and puts everything into perspective for me. she understands me perfectly and reassures me that it's alright to be imperfect, to have feelings of worthlessness and moments of self doubt. Here's what i learnt tonight:
1. you cant expect to share the same degree of closeness with all your friends. it's alright to interact with people at different levels. you cant expect everyone to be open abt their problems. if they dont wanna tell you what's wrong, then just leave it at that. anyway why make their drama your drama?
2. it's okay to be by myself, be happy doing things and discovering myself. it's much better than interacting with pple who i know wont get me even if i spent a zillion years with them.
3. learn to love and accept myself, with all my idiosyncrasies. try new things and find somthg i enjoy/am passionate abt and can call my own
4. why compare myself with others? let them talk abt gpa and internships all they want. that's their life. i am not gonna be affected. i am gonna lead my life the way i want in my bubble world, as long if what i am doing is meaningful to me.
5. i am normal. hurray!

you know what, the strange thing is that i thought i knew all this stuff but coming from someone who's been there and done that, everything just makes much more sense.
thanks for always being there for me...luvya sis!

2005-05-01T13:31:00.000-04:00

i realise that i was way too harsh abt my friends. it's just that i have a love-hate relationship with most of them. some days i feel victimised and some days i feel so loved and happy. damn strange. today was pretty good! if i dont count the time i humiliated myself in front of everyone haha but i dont really care cos i am loved..woooo!! looking forward to dinner at AAA with corinne and cx!

my depressed saturday mornings

2005-04-30T13:54:00.000-04:00

i usually realise how depressed and lost i am on saturday mornings. Sat mornings are supposed to be the best times of the week cos there's no school, no pressure to rush homework like on sundays and it signifies a lazy day ahead with only procrastination on my schedule. This morning was different, it was worse. i woke up feeling so lonely, lost, confused, angry and terrified that i forced myself to go back to sleep. it's now midafternoon and i just woke up again and well, things havent changed. the shittiest thing is that i can even pinpoint why i'm feeling like this. upon reflection, the sad conclusion i come to is everything;
1. the constant feeling of being burnt out from having to eat, live and breathe schoolwork every single fucking day. I'm sick of the constant barrage of hw, assignments, midterms, projects and finals, sick of hearing abt GPA & internships, sick of Bs, sick of not being able to understand econs, sick of being sick of the same old things.
2. not having an outlet to relieve stress. i NEED TO GET OUT of here. middletown is the shithole of all shitholes and being stuck here everyday is causing me to go insane. i dont understand how pple can live in such a boring town with no malls or coffeeshops and the only thing to do is lasertag. i tried shopping, reading, foreign films, and even mini breaks but they just dont do it for me anymore. photography and religion are next on the list.
3. 'good' friends that arent there when i need them emotionally and who always drive me nuts with their never ending deragotory teasing. just STOP IT. dont you know when enough is really ENOUGH? hello, it's NOT FUNNY. if u cant interact with me like a normal person or respect my feelings, then dont bother talking to me. fucking hell, since when did laughing AT your friends become an outlet for you to relieve boredom or stress?
4. my future. thinking abt it just instills this crazy blind fear in me and i dont even wanna analyse why.
i may come across as whiny, lazy, spoilt, narrow minded, ultrasenstive and unappreciative but then again, everyone has their moments.

2005-04-22T13:43:00.000-04:00

sometimes it takes the shittest things to happen to you to remind you of the goodness of people.
-lost my wesid again and this guy(amit) emailed & returned it to me
-the chair of the english dpt & mrs guarino went to great lenghts to help me retrieve my spanish paper which i shoved under the wrong prof's door. without their help i would probably be redoing my paper now in tears.
-when i broke down for a shitload of reasons, chengxi was there for me and got me back on my feet - smthg i've been unsuccessfully trying to do for awhile.
-screwed my econ midterm 2 but prof rayack raised my grade out of sympathy

2005-04-20T17:06:00.000-04:00

haha i just read my previous post and it has absolutely no point to it. oh well, i have decided to stop fighting my neuroticism and embrace my randomness! but omg, how come other bloggers always seem so normal?? heckityheck, am i strange or not? most people think that they are strange but in reality they are normal. so if u think u are strange, how do u know if u are really strange or just being paranoid and actually normal? yes u can ask others but how do u know that the other person isnt the strange one so in her eyes u are strange but in actual fact u are normal?
what is the definition of normal anyway?

2005-04-20T16:24:00.000-04:00

hey shujun dearie, i've decided it's time to do justice to the beautiful blog you created for me! haha. now u can read abt all the amazing events that happen in my life (which i know u have always been dying to know). well i've never been a fan of blogging cos it's just too much of a commitment and i think it's mortifying when u dont know if random pple u meet have read your blog and think that they have u figured out before they even know you. and there's always this dilema whether to write for myself or for my currently nonexistant audience. but since my audience consists of my sisters (who i am not even sure still visit my very dead blog), there's no pressure to be extremely funny or entertaining. so anyway, the main reason why i have decided to pick up blogging is that recently there have been too many random, unconnected thoughts floating in my head and i hope that by writing them out will help me understand what i am trying to tell myself and relieve the pressure in my head.
i would love my blog to be gorgeous with pretty snapshots, ever-changing cool templates, cursors with lian things chasing them around, and music that says something abt my life at that point. but i know myself and that isnt gonna happen haha. in contrast, it's gonna be one of those blogs that pple stop visiting after awhile cos everything i write will probably make them go 'HUH?'. you will see why soon...

2004-10-31T19:11:00.000-05:00

Aunt Rose shared her testimonial with me again. This is the third time I have heard it but somehow I never get tired listening to how her struggles with her husband’s illness lead her to the Lord. It’s miraculous how her husband was healed of cancer and diabetes in less than a year just through prayer. I really admire her strength and unwavering faith in the Lord and the peace and happiness she has in her life ever since He entered her life. It really makes me want to believe – to share that inner calmness, knowing that there’s Someone always looking out for me, guiding me every step and filling my life with hope and joy.
It’s very thought provoking how Christians see all mere coincidences as God’s way of guiding them. It’s freaky to see things in this light because when you realize that the happenings in your daily life are not just random unconnected events but part of some bigger picture and suddenly everything kind of falls into place and makes perfect sense. To quote TX ‘Everything happens for a reason.’
There definitely was some sort of signal when Mo came to the kitchen when Aunt Rose was sharing her testimonial – I think TX believes that God was giving Mo a chance to know him so that He can help her with her pain. The path that Aunt Rose walked towards accepting Him had too many ‘coincidences’ to not believe that some higher power was involved.
Aunt Rose, thank you for sharing and praying for me. Even though I am just starting out and may not fully comprehend all that you have said, I really appreciate it. Your prayers have filled me with a sense of tranquility and I feel safe. Thank you once again.
It’s the third time in a month that Aunt Rose has shared her testimonial with me.
Could He be telling me something?
I believe so. I am going to church tomorrow morning to find some answers.

test!

2004-10-30T04:21:00.000-04:00

hiehie! shujun here. i'm doing the tempp for u. so nice of me rite? heehee..